Portion Size

Today i have eaten -

• 40g of bran flakes
• 1 bowl of youghurt
• 9 strawberry's

they were made up into two meals but while i was eaten them i couldnt get over how big the portion size was, but the funny thing is i use to eat 90% more than this and not feel guilty but now i feel guilty about everything i eat. its been an okay day got a lot of coarsework done.

72 Left to Go!

i weighed myyself today and ive got 72lbs left until i recah happiness. ive got such a headache, and would love just to curl up in bed a stay there, but ive got work :(. today ive had;

• 3 x coffee's ( with ss milk)
• 250 ml diet coke
• 1 bowl of spicy veg soup ( homemade )

and its weird because im sitting here thinking shall i eat again later or call it a day, plus im feeling really guilty about having the soup because i only had it because everyone else was eating , . if i do eat later it will be soup.

My story so far...

It all started a few years ago, i was always a fat child and was always told how i needed to lose weight. when i was 14 my mum had a breakdown,i was ok for a few months but when i went back to school in septeber i couldnt keep up with my corsework as i had home problems on my mind. Also this lad made my life hell, he only did stupid things but i couldnt cope as it was, i started to get paranoide in all my lessons and i even remember walking through town on my way home from school and crying because i thought everyone was talking about me. because my mum had just been ill, i didnt tell anyone because i though they would just think i was copying her. This went on for 8 weeks and in the end i couldnt cope anymore i went home and told my mum everything , she said i didnt have to go to school and she would book me an appoinment at the doctors. i spent the next week in bed, not eating anything but bread and water.( just because i didnt have an appitate) when i went to the doctors everything come out and she refered me to camhs. i was on an eight week waiting list and  didnt have to go to school. i can not remember a lot but i stopped coming out of my room for food and water, just didnt have the energy and didnt want to speak to anyone. after three days of not eating and drinking my mum phoned up the doctors and told them, i then went to camhs for a referhal 2 days later. i sat in this room and told this lady everything, she was really worried about me and made me go to the hospital, that was horrible as once i had said yes to going they wouldnt let me leave. they tried to force water down my throt and i screamed at them telling them no, it felt like i was going to choke. anyway the lady was cahms come in and she was great she stayed with me for 5 hours and made me have a sip of water every 15 mins, because i had water in the hospital i was allowed home ( because it was a friday and they were shut over the weekend they were thinking of keeping me in hospital until monday when they could see me again). at home i stayed in my room i ate 5 grapes the entire weekend and was made to drink lemonade. on monday when i went back to camhs i had lost 3kg over the weekend and they dont know but but i had lost a lot before i even went to camhs but at that point i was to depressed. anyway i remember stepping on the scales in camhs and seeing that weight loss was the first thing that had put a smile on my face in weeks. in that meeting they talked about putting a referhal into NWAS its for adosesents with mental illnesses. because i was an emergency i was given the first theripst that was free and in my meeting she explained how i might not have her for my regular week to week meetings ( but she said there was a good chance i would). anyway that was the last time i saw her, the week later when i went in, there was two new theripsts sitting in front of me and apparently these where my regular ones. they told me to explain the story i had told to the doctor and the first theripst, i was sick of teling everyones about my problems but i did, i didnt like one of them at the beginging (i just wanted my old theripst back) anyway i keep going there for a few weeks and each time they weighed me i had lost week, they then asked me to write down what i was eating (at this time i didnt have a problem with food i just wasnt hungry, it made me feel sick.) when i brough in the list they give me, they said it wasnt enough, but at this point i was starting to like my weight loss as i had been on so many diets in the past and none of them had worked except this one, but plus the fact that i wasnt hungry so i wasnt going to eat, i wasnt hungry . i think this went on for a few weeks and i started to get into it, i liked losing the weight, so they went ahead and put a referhal in ( i was 68kg at this point still really fat ) i remember one meeting where one theripst said to me sam you need to stop now, your at the crossroads, if you turn back now you can be healthy and we will help you sort your problems out but if keep on going you will have a full blown eating disorder. ( im not joking this was the first time it clicked in myhead, they though i had an eating disorder thats why they were trying to get me to eat more, thats when i relised) i told them they were wrong, they were blowing things out of preportain. i remember going to nwas and i meet this man who had 20 years experience with eating disorders. he agreed with me, said i was fine and told me that sometimes theripsts get a bit worried ovr nothing, i left there feeling happy ( i also remember i didnt eat anything this day :). at this point because i didnt relise what was going on and when they told me to fill that form out about what i ate ( i did it thuthfully). they said it wasnt enough and said seeming i couldnt control my eating they were going to write out a meal plan and i had to eat it. this is when i started to hate one of my therispts with a passion ( the one making me eat) the other one i felt i could blag and get away with things, so she wasnt that bad. my mum was the one making me eat the food at home and because i battled mine and her relationship suffered. im think now because at this point i was scared of eating food i didnt like it, im not sure but i think it was because they were forcing me to eat food even when i wasnt hungry . i was regulary losing 2kg a week and when i got to 59kg .  i had to go back to NWAS and oh it was a whole different story he argeed with everything she said (the theripst i hated was there) he took me into a room and im not joking every thing he was he was right, i was gob smacked. anyway he diagnosed me with depression and an eating disorder.and  i was going in there in a few weeks to ip. that beleave it or not was the end of my eating disorder, well the best part anyway. i had control and was the skinnest i had ever been. about a week after going to NWAS. i was at home my mum had given up on my eating plan so for the last 4 days i had been living on a bowl of porridge a day(100cals) and i only ate that because i wanted to show her that if she just left me alone i would eat, but at the same time i wanted to try and eat as little as i could as i knew soon enough i was going to be forced to eat and have no choice about it. anyway that day was the worst day so far. i couldnt even move my arm with it acheing i had NO energy to move it was around 5pm, my mum was going out for a meal and told me to phone her if i needed anything. i hadnt eaten my bowl of porridge yet as i alway use to eat it at night because i was scared that if i ate it in the morning and then was forced to eat something at night i was eating more than i needed to. i remember going down for my porigde about 7pm my brothers were in the living room watching telly, i barely had enough energy to stand i worked in the kitchen and  there was left over food everywhere (they had a chippy) . i got the porridge out and instead of having 1 portain of porridge i had two (200cals). i ate that and when i took my bowl down i just ate the chips on the side i couldnt beleave i had just done it i remember i just kept eating. that was the night i carved FAT into my arm with a knife, i couldnt beleave the energy i had, i could remember i had that much energy. that was it that was my control gone. after that i binged none stop, none of my family could beleave it, not only was i was eating i was bingeing. that week i went to camhs an got on the scales and i hadnt lost, that was the first weekt that had ever happened. after that i stopped being weighted i didnt want to see the number's going to and i didnt wantem to see it either. my bed was given away in nwas and everyone let me get on with it, i started b/p but still but on the weight. i did that for a few months and it was the worst time in my life, it felt like i had no control of what i was eating i made them put a lock on  the kitchen door but that didnt work they use to lock the kitchen up e.g shut the windows and that but i would say i wanted a glass of water before it was locked and then i would open the window, in the middle of the night i would crawl through it and binge,most of the time i would purge but sometimes i wouldnt, then i moved up to the hotel, had a job and went to college,( it was around thistime that i left camhs) then i started to purge less and less but still carried on to binge but turned out of binges and move into eating junk everyday. a year later and here i am 20kg fatter and 0% control. in the last year ive tryed hard to get back what i use to have but i just fail and eat, ive even been on pro ana sites to see if these 's tips on how to become ana, thats how sad ive become, i dont do it now because not only do i know every trick in the book from living it but plus the fact that its stupid, i feel ive still got something inside of me, like i mean i feel ive still got an eating disorder because basically ill start healthy eating, feel that its not enough, restrict, do well for a week, binge and then end up bingeing for a week, lately i have started purgeing and cutting again. but tonight is night im going to forget about the past and start to get control back in my life. x p.s if you read to the end thank you ;).